Sarah Kay - if i should have a daughter

"if i should have a daughter, instead of mom, she's going to call me point B"

some people just really have a way with words. I was and am still filled with admiration for her in the most indescribable ways.

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the cavity of my nose feels stingy and congested, my eyes like squeezed lemons, my head heavy as lead, and i do not know how to describe tiredness. It feels like I am about to shrivel up any minute, but that is not enough to show how tired. i. a -------

There is little tension in me recently and there is less need to write long paragraphs of descriptives about one particular feeling, as much as i want myself to. Today I read a collection of excerpts, passages and paintings about love and skipped the ones that were descriptive because i didn't have the patience to plough through pages and pages that lead to one conclusion. Except for this one narrative by James Joyce (I have posted below) where I thoroughly enjoyed reading for his writing style was really clean.

Jiddu Krishnamurti - On love and loneliness

We were discussing the complex problem of love. I do not think we shall understand it until we understand an equally complex problem, which we call the mind. Have you noticed, when we are very young, how inquisitive we are?

The mind, when we are young, is much more alert, much more curious and wanting to know. As we grow older, our minds become more and more crystallized, more and more heavy, more and more bulky. Have you noticed in older people how prejudiced thay are? their minds are fixed, they are not open, they approach everything from a fixed point of view.

Is it not then very important to understand the ways of the mind, so as to understand the way of love? Because it is the mind that destroys love.

fact of the mind #1:

What is this thing that you call the mind? It is the way of thinking, the way you think. That mind gradually becomes warped or fixed in a certain pattern. When you want something, when you desire, when you crave, you set a pattern; that is, your mind creates a pattern and it gets caught. Your desire crystallizes your mind.

So until I really investigate this process of my mind, the ways i think, the ways i regard love, until i am familiar with my own ways of thinking, i cannot possibly find what love is.

There will be no love when my mind desires certain facts of love, certain actions of it, and when I then imagine what love should be. Then I give certain motives to love. So, gradually, I create the pattern of action with regard to love. But it is not love; it is merely my desire of what love should be. Say, for example, I possess you as a wife or a husband. Do you understand possess? You possess your sari or your coat. If somebody took them away, you would be angry, you would be anxious, you would be irritated. Why? Because you regard your coat as yours, through possession you feel enriched.

Owning creates a barrier, does it not, with regard to love? If I own you, I feel very rich inwardly and outwardly. This owning, this possessing, this depending, is what we call love. But if you examine it, you will see that, behind it, the mind feels satisfied in possession. Not love

fact of the mind #2:

Is not the mind also an instrument of comparison? Comparison prevents you from looking fully. When I compare, I am not looking at you. Because my mind is occupied with something else I am comparing you to. When I compare you with somebody else, I judge you and say "oh he is a stupid man". So stupidity arises when there is comparison, that very comparison brings about a lack of human dignity.

So as long as the mind is comparing, there is no love. You are always concerned with yourself in relation to somebody else. As the mind becomes more comparative, possessive, depending, it creates a pattern in which it gets caught, so it cannot look at anything anew, afresh. And so it destroys that very thing, that very perfume of life, which is love.

James Joyce - "A painful case" from Dubliners

A lost opportunity to love

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Little by little he entangled his thoughts with hers. He lent her books, provided her with ideas, shared his intellectual life with her. She listened to all.

Sometimes in return for his theories she gave out some fact of her own life. With almost maternal solicitude she urged him to let his nature open to the full: she became his confessor.

Little by little, as their thoughts entangled, they spoke of subjects less remote. Her companionship was like a warm soil about an exotic. Many times she allowed the dark to fall upon them, refraining from lighting the lamp/ The dark discreet room, their isolation, the music that still vibrated in their ears united them. This union exalted him, wore away the rough edges of his character, emotionalised his mental life.

and, as he attached the fervent nature of his companion more and more closely to him, he heard the strange impersonal voice which he recognised as his own, insisting on the soul's incurable loneliness. We cannot give ourselves, it said: we are our own. The end of these discourses was that one night during which she had shown every sign of unusual excitement, Mrs Sinico caught up his hand passionately and pressed it to her cheek.

Mr Duffy was very much surprised. Her interpretation of his words disillusioned him. He did not visit her for a week; then he wrote to her asking her to meet him. As he did not wish their last interview to be troubled by the influence of their ruined confessional they met in a little cakeshop near parkgate.

They agreed to break off their intercourse: every bond, he said, is a bond to sorrow.

I talked to my friend today and what she said reminded me that

1) I need to know my priorities well

2) I always take relationships for granted, and i shouldn't

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Here are a list of my priorities

(again, because I don't flip through my journal that often):

1) maintain good relationships with people i care about

that would be... i'll keep my list confidential.

I have 4 circles of friends. I will learn to love them the way they want to be loved, take time to understand them, write to them when I have things to say, make the effort to let them know that I care for them, not take them for granted, and improve myself so I can contribute to their lives as well (since I like talking to people i can learn from, it must not be a one-sided relationship and I should aim to be able to give them insight as well)

only invest in relationships that are important.

(but if I'm important to someone I do not care so much about, what should I do? Ignoring that person would be selfish?)

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2) know myself better, gain wisdom, get answers to life

by reflecting and writing daily, reading books, watching videos, talking to people whom I trust and can learn from. I have a rather short attention span and don't always have the patience to read things that are 'dry' (as much as I'm interested in the topic), so I must remind myself it is for the sake of knowing myself and the world around me better.

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3) be better at things I like.

that would be music. and to a certain extent, art.

Straightforward enough.

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4) take care of my health

i have to stop eating only when i feel like it, stop sleeping late, stop drinking too little water. Difficult task though.

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5) and sadly, because i live in a realistic world, and i have to learn to be independent, enough cash to sustain points 1 - 4.

I will have to work and look up information regarding universities and really think about my future. During the holidays, I want to teach piano/art and get part-time jobs such that i will still have time for myself and people around me.

You. the one who does not read this

are not the one who cares for me

because the one who knows me

knows this is who i am

because

you should not believe only in what i tell you.

believe in all things i tell myself as well.

.

but please believe in what i tell you as well.

Sometimes I like things and i do not know why i like them.

i don't love them, i just like them.

so i wonder, if i have no particular reason for liking them, i wonder if i really like them at all.

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would i ever like something forever?

If i find out the reason for liking them, and reasons change while i change, then there will only be things I liked and like. I don't like the things i have liked. What I like now will not be the things I will like.

How long is "now"? will "now" be forever?

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do we love things at first sight or do we love something after a prolonged period of 'like'?

and would i ever love something?

would i ever love something forever?

My aim is to be vulnerable. For it is only when I allow myself to be weak that I will truly know who I am. Muster strength to face the weakness and not hide it. I promised to not speak, for I am strange, flawed and perhaps still insecure. But that is not me. I will continue speaking, and find out more about the ones around me.

I will slowly forget the way I looked at you, and look at you in a new light. You are someone I will trust and love, not in the way I trusted and loved. If I really did love anyone. Or do I still?

The what-I-did-this-week entry

I have finally watched some of the videos I borrowed from the library two weeks ago. "what are dreams?", and a cd-rom - "test and improve your memory". I spent the past two hours playing 6 of the 12 games involving semantic memory, visual&spatial skills, speed mental calculation, use of logic etc. I am probably the best at visual&spatial skills as expected. I suck at memorizing chunks of words and I take forever to categorize them.

Alicia and I met up after more than a year. We went to my favourite cafe and watched a movie with tony leung as a magician. Thought nothing can go wrong with tony leung, but we were rather disappointed with the ending.

I looked at my calender - There are only 5 days in january where I didn't meet anyone.

Feel better about posting photos of myself and the people I hang out with these days.

Crab party last week. I hung out with a group of people I barely knew and felt ok about it.

Your brain isn't beautiful and complicated. It is simply screwed up.

Many hours of singing today.

I have crossed the line that shouldn't exist but

will gladly retreat to avoid confusion.

My body is not me. "I am the person trapped in my body". Nobody knows who I really am. Because they look at you with (their) eyes, hear you with (their) ears when you speak. I am I when I am silent, when the world can't hear me, when i speak not with my mouth but within my body.

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it feels extremely strange to be posting whatever you have posted on facebook here, but facebook will disappear one day and this will not. I want to remember what I thought of on 15th January 2012.

I don't know why I posted it on facebook when I have mixed feelings about declaring who we are on that platform. Maybe I wanted to know how many people feel that way. Maybe I just want people to know that was on my mind.

Sometimes I don't understand why we have this need to tell people what we're thinking, or who we are. Sometimes it feels as though talking should be prohibited, because the genuine us is the one that does not have to care about how we present ourselves to others. But sometimes I also feel like words slip out of my mouth unconsciously, that there is nothing about "presentation" at all.

I don't mean 'nice packaging to leave a better impression on others' form of 'presentation'. Presentation as in, even when we talk about our flaws, or are being really, really honest about what we feel, there is an audience we have to speak to, and we have to tweak it slightly for sake of clarity and expression.

And back to my quote (it feels good to call it 'my quote', so i shall just call it 'my quote' haha). People really just don't know who the hell we are. They interpret everything - our words, our expressions, our actions in their own manner. And when we are conscious that words are spoken for others to be heard, we unconsciously reshape them. Then they become less true to us.

If we are social animals, why do I struggle with communication?

Blonde Redhead - Silently

Silently, I wish to sail into your port. I am your sailor.
Quietly, I drop my weight into your sea. I drop my anchor.

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I just like it. The music. This song.

Ok, i found out about this band because i was intrigued by someone who was listening to it. but i truly honestly love this song.

people have been spamming this on my newsfeed. But this video doesn't 'deserve' the word "spam". it's about an autistic child who started voicing out her thoughts at the age of 11 with the help of a computer. 11 year old child with flailing arms, unable to communicate with the world, but typed these:

"you don't know what it feels like to be me, when you can't sit still because your legs feel like they are on fire, or it feels like there are a hundred ants crawling up your arms."

"I want something that will put out the fire"

"it's a way for us to drown out all sensory input that overloads us all at once. We create output to block our input."

"our brains are wired differently. We take in many sounds and conversations all at once. I take over a thousand pictures of a person's face when i look at them. That's why we have a hard time looking at people."

"people assume I am dumb because I can't talk. It's hard to be autistic because no one understands me"

"I am autistic, but that is not who I am. Take time to know who I am, before you judge me."

-

"it told us that there were a lot more going in there (her mind) than we knew"

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feel like people are honestly not who they appear to be. From her words, she feels just like any normal being trapped in a body with extra sensitive sensory preceptors. Somehow, whatever she had typed (about the "fire in (her) legs" she feels) makes autism seem much less complicated than we think it is. It feels less crazy, more normal. It doesn't feel so much of a "mental retardation", but malfunction of sensory preceptors and the part of the brain that is responsible for these sensations.

Not "retarded".

Many of these mysteries are unlocked with the help of extraordinary cases like hers, and with the support of others. (compare: her and another autistic kid being sent to a mental hospital).

There are so many other things about the human brain we can't decipher, thoughts all in a jumble of red squishy tubes. But they sound so simple scientifically. x part of brain is damaged, therefore patient behaves in an abnormal manner. y part of patient's brain is more active than others, thus this phenomenon occurs.

How do we explain all these? People who feel detached from reality, depression, bipolar disorder. How do we explain these thoughts we all have in our heads, thoughts "normal" people have?

How do we understand everything? I want to know about everything about this world. Especially this "inner" world. Because... because.. I don't know, I'm just drawn to it. Nothing else matters.

shallow is such a shallow word.

i have been feeling shallow the past few weeks. It's all crap here.
i feel extremely weird now.

Wicked - For good (with lyrics)

I don't usually like videos with black backgrounds and brightly coloured lyrics, but i kind of like the lyrics though they're so simple and straightforward. and quite honest?

memories serve as bonds. i often forget that.

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wrote a letter, replied to another. I feel a step closer to loving people again. I am vulnerable to the ones i trust.

Conversations with two people in two days:

I don't love others enough

i am talking to Sarah right now, and she is tired but i feel we are having a thought-stimulating conversaton and would like to continue. (maybe she is tired cause i was doing more of the talking and not listening that much?) Maybe it's true when my friend says i'm really tiring to be with. i'm reminded of how my mom says she sometimes falls asleep listening to what my dad has to say. But if i stop myself from asking questions, I am not being myself in front of her. Ok i am hopeless:

emmafung92: so why do we like talking to each other??
sarahquek: where did the question come from again?
emmafung92: you should know by now that questions come to me like.. feathers i randomly pluck from the air
sarahquek: i do not pluck FEATHERS from the air

realised that we are both stubborn and we talk to each other because it concretizes our thoughts, but we might not necessarily agree with each other and listen to each other. By definition, that is not a 'good conversation' where ideas are conveyed to each other, but i think we still enjoy conversations with each other because we have at least got a glimpse of each other's point of view, and it is important to look at a pov that is different from yours.

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Today I thought of something really important, but since I've written it down in my diary I feel I don't have to write it here again, because it doesn't matter if people know what I'm thinking. I've already told one person about it and that is enough.

But for memories' sake, (cause i scroll through this bog more often than i flip through my diary), it's somewhere along the lines of how, i quote, "a quiet existence is the way to go". There is probably not happiness, but calmness in acting in the most natural manner without a care in the world about what people think about me, whether they look up to me (or down on me), or whether i am 'good enough'.

50/50 Trailer 2011 HD

The general audience react at the same few scenes, but others cry more than others at scenes which remind them of themselves.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt reminds me of 500 days of summer, which reminds me of things I no longer care about.

When i see people like her who can be so happy with sweet nothings, some part of me cringes. i'll never be happy and like a sun bathing the ones around me with brightness and warmth. simplicity is like an unattainable goal, satisfaction's light years away. i'm drawn to the beauty of complexity, yet it does not give me happiness which is most easily attained through simplicity.

4th january,

11:08 pm
i have decided to try my best to make the ones around me happy, and not give only after i've received.

11:40 pm
i want to be better at accepting others

11:41 pm
today i painted skin with various colours, guided by my mood.

i should make resolutions and reflections

from 2046

I really hate how I make myself say I don't find the point in xx festival, or even birthdays, and actually bother to find many reasons when they're (probably) all for the sole reason of getting rid of this emotion called sadness. I hate how sad they make me and the worst part is that I'm the one who caused all these. So I get tired of talking to people but expect to have someone by my side.

Talk about ridiculous.

While everybody was having a nice time reminiscing on the past year either alone at home or at a party with others, I only thought of that very present moment, which was of me being all alone at home.

While everybody was having a nice time reminiscing on the past year either alone at home or at a party with others, I only thought of that very present moment, which was of me being all alone at home. Didn't pause to think of what people have done for me, and also how I've spent most of my time in front of a desk with post its all over. Perhaps I was too soaked in my own pool of negative feelings then.

But even now, I don't feel too good reflecting upon the past year, because I don't know how to start. Far too many things have happened in 2011, it is the year of the biggest changes in me. I have grown to be less dependent, slightly colder, more asocial.

It is so much easier to list out the tangibles - the events that have happened, the people i have met. As for my personal growth and emotions, I feel I have let my emotions slip past so many times, and I do not know which events and reflection have caused the big changes in me. I feel as though I have teleported to a destination and missed out on a lot by choosing to not go by the road. I remember first having this thought during the Andrew Lloyd Webber concert.

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Due to my current inablity to assess my inner thoughts and feelings, I shall list out the biggest 'tangible' events that have occurred the past year in chronological order:

I made a new friend through the most ridiculous means, expected to fail my As but didn't fail as badly as I expected to (but still bad enough for me to retake them), travelled to Europe for 3 weeks and cried a lot, sent Sarah off and had a great time with her before that, lost touch with many other people, spent almost all of my studying time alone, saw the hardworking side of me a month plus before the A's, didn't perform as well as I wanted to during the papers themselves, ended A's on 25th november and have been doing whatever I want since then.

I could say I spent the new year talking to my closest and some of my closer friends - Sarah in london preparing to go for a party and is the one i talk more to on normal occasions, Clifford having duty in a building all on his own who rambled and heard me ramble on till i fell asleep, as usual.

And briefly to Peixuan whom i went through the A's with, who texted me something nice while I was asleep :), and Nicolette who is currently sick with bronchitis and I feel guilty for not knowing more about it, and Baha who called me for maybe 20 seconds to say happy new year in an excited voice against the noises in the back ground.

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It was really lonely before that - as the only one awake in the house while everybody else was celebrating with their friends or family. I wanted to hug someone, the idea of someone and not an actual person, but there was nobody.